Merry Christmas

Happy celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and spending time with loved ones and family. Today my boyfriend kidnapped me and took me to see the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center, then we got brunch at Denny's in New Jersey, and then hung out in Times Square and visited my favorite book store called Book Off. I had a really lovely time. I was nervous at first because he said I wouldn't like what we were going to do first but we were both tired that we didn't mind skipping the ice skating, we'll just do that another time. He got me some books and a tie and his parents got me some lovely clothes. Everything was very wonderful. This Christmas has been very good. Hope you all are enjoying it yourself. Much love, K

Friends

I am so glad that I have such wonderful people in my life. Sometimes life gets too stressful or some people just make things much more difficult than they have to be but you should always have that one person you can always count on to say the right thing or make you feel like everything will be fine. I have that, so glad I have my square, and my other college friends to help me through the special times in my life. Oh and last night I went to a bar type place with my twin and her sister and her other friends and it wasn't that bad. I don't drink and I didn't have to. I had a much more fun time knowing that everyone else was enjoying themselves and I could be happy for them. It was very fabulous. Gotta find out what's in that Gold BBQ sauce though. Anyway, enjoy your day. Much love, K

Baby Ethan

I have a problem with children. I don't like them too much. However, last night my good friends Carla and Melina came over and Melina brought her nine month old son Ethan. Apparently babies like to stare and smile at me. Having him in my house wasn't too bad. We had the cat locked up and just put some blankets on the floor and let him go crazy and crawl until he passed out. Then we busted out the Apples to Apples which was super duper fun even though we didn't have four or more players and that we weren't all over the age of 12, lol. Anyway, kids can be cool. Can't wait until Ethan grows up though, gonna torture him with baby photos for life! hehe much love, K

A Love Letter Battle

So a co-worker and I were arguing over who wrote the best love letters and I'm pretty sure that I'm much better than him. He claims my letters are guarded but I'm an overall guarded person. I have been hurt too many times to just allow any person to come in to my heart all willy nilly. You must have a good streak with me, and your friends before me, before I'll let you completely in. Oh and your friends must also be people I take into high regard. But I do love reading his letters that he's given to other people. My letters are more encouraging and have a specific mission. Anyway, love getting mail, so send those letters. Much love, K

Dream Guy

We all know I have a boyfriend and he's absolutely wonderful. However, before him, there was this idea of what my dream guy would be like. There is no specifications about what he would look like but instead about what he would do. I really liked the idea of a handsome doctor who skate boarded and played the drums. I kinda have a thing for drummers. Dated one once, and it was really fun. I also kinda have a thing for guys with dred locks but that's not mandatory in my dream guy. So I was telling my friend about this and she said doctors don't have time to play the drums and I thought, yes they do. I'd think veterinarians have lots of time to do that and maybe pediatricians but I'm not so sure. If you know of any doctors with some interesting hobbies, just let me know. Not that I'm looking for anyone to date, just interested in knowing what hobbies a doctor can have. Have a blessed day!

Lazy Monday

Today I don't feel like getting up and doing anything. I am so sad that I have misplaced a book. And you know how much I love books, and how organized I am. So when I can't find something it is a big deal. My room gets flipped upside down, just ask my boyfriend. Anyway, I woke up thinking I had to do laundry but realized that I could do it tonight, so that's another thing that I have delayed including my paper and studying for my test which both are to be done on Wednesday. And I couldn't eat what I wanted to eat for breakfast, not a big deal but with everything else going on, it's just the cherry on top of this not so happy sundae. Let's just hope that when I get to work things will be much better, which I doubt, so I guess I can go in with a sucky mood and if anything goes right it'll be something special because if I go in with high or any hopes and they get dashed then I'm not sure I'll want to do anything tonight and just want to pass out. So I just have get through the next seven hours with no expectations but to answer phones and flier. Hope you all have a very fabulous day. K

Touristy Saturday

Today I went on a very fabulous journey with my dear friend Jess and her family. We did some shopping around New York City today. Our first stop was the Disney Store. At this store I met a very interested man named Akil, he was very interested in me and followed us around the store a bit. It was very funny because after I told him about my Japanese he went over the moon crazy and I walked away smiling and thought it'd be a funny story to tell my boyfriend later. After that store which severely lacked Belle merchandise we went to the M&M store where they have a sale where you buy four Christmas trees filled with candy for twenty dollars or pay full price which is like $9, so get some now. Then we made our way to 59th Street but stopped by a couple of churches and a Trump Tower to potty and warm up. After that we went to see the tree and then to see the huge line outside of FAO Schwartz and then to central park where they and many other people were interested in the "rock" and the "bridge" from Home Alone. Not too many places but a real nice walk. They then left me for one of those double decked tourist bus and I went home to start a paper that still just has a cover page. Anyway, hope you all are enjoying shopping for your favorite people. I need to do some of that. Columbus Circle has a market should definitely check that out. Until next time. TTFN

Christmas List

This year I'm actually writing a list. Since Santa Clause does not and will not ever exist I have to depend on my wonderful friends to send me lovely gifts. First and foremost, I love books. Give me any type of book you think I would like and enjoy reading. I am in love with reading so any book that I can get lost in is great. I also enjoy ties but I have 195 and only want five so if you think you'll get me a tie, one would be nice but not five or four because someone is bound to give me one that will put me over 200. Other than that, I guess anything pink, girly, or scented will do. I like scented candles, turkey burgers with swiss cheese and just good company. If you decided to go with the book route, here is a list of my favorite authors:
Sarah Dessen
Jane Green
Jodi Lynn Anderson
Sarah Addison Allen
Lynn Ewing
Jeff Mariotte
Lynne Hinton
Jane Austen

Here are some books on my wish list:
The Prodigal God
The Portrait of a Lady
Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen
and I think that is about it for now. Here is a link to my goodreads account.
http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/10501176-kasarah

I would also like some music, my favorite artists are Ella Fitzgerald, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, James Morrison, and Ingrid Michaelson.

It too shall pass.

I don't know quite yet what I would like to title this post, I haven't quite figured out what I would like to write. I should be sleep right now but I'm wide awake. I could start on my paper or something but my brain is kinda almost to the limit of its thinking capacity at the moment. I think I shall read and call it a night. When I get stressed I start eliminating things out of my life. And this week that was choir rehearsal as well as crocheting with my old ladies. I won't be singing either because I have a class trip right before and I don't like having to be all over the place. I love calm and controlled situations. Not ones where I am late, sweaty and disorganized. I hardly know the words to the songs and feel like I won't be missed too much. I have two jobs and four papers to do for my two classes combined plus the weekly readings as homework. I just pray and hope that I'll get everything done and I'm fairly sure that I will. Oh and I forgot I also have a test and presentation in one class, so getting these papers out of the way would be really good right about now. I shall try my best and let God do the rest as I say to my friend Ruth. I'm just so thankful for all the wonderful friends I have that pray and look out for me. I just wish I could repay the favor. Wish that somehow I could make their dreams come true. Anyway, if you have a prayer request don't be afraid to leave a comment. Much love, K

Reunited

I absolutely love coming back to Buffalo. It is one of the very few places where I can absolutely be myself and no one will look at me funny. It's were you can go up to complete strangers and say "I like your face." I love seeing my friends, being hugged and squeezed. I love knowing that these people love me for who I am and that I don't have to fake a smile or pretend to be someone I'm not. I really miss this feeling. Feeling like there is a small little niche in the world where I belong. Well now I'm back in NYC and sorta kinda feel like I belong here as well, probably just because I have responsibilities here. I have two jobs, school, friends and family. I just need to get away from it all now and then. I think I shall get lost in a book, maybe one of my old favorites. Who knows. Much love, K

Terrible

So my boyfriend thinks he's so terrible and wants people to know how terrible he is. He claims that people would be interested in how he abuses me, how messy he is, how he touches me inappropriately, how he's greedy with sugar meaning kisses, how he's always falling asleep on me, always standing me up and if not, he's always late, and never listens to my feelings, never believes me, hits me. These are all the things he believes I think is true but it truly isn't. I think he's the most wonderful guy I know. Yes, he tends to be late or fails to show up but when he does, oh boy is it worth it. I love the way he looks at me; like I'm the only girl in the world. I love the way he loves me endless and putting my needs before his own, and he always seems to make me smile. So even though he thinks he's the worse guy ever he's really pretty great.

Despite the Odds

One time when everything turned out fine despite the odds was when I applied to college. Both undergrad and graduate. For undergraduate I applied to a plethora of colleges and got into almost all of them. But I suck at making decisions, or rather I'm afraid of making the wrong one. I try to best weigh the odds or see if I have any stronger ties to one side. But when applying and deciding which school to go to, I just couldn't make a choice, so I left it up to my mom. I told her to just apply to whatever school she could afford and that's what she did. I loved my school, met awesome people and grew tremendously. After four years there I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, so I got two internships and one of them actually showed me a life I could have and enjoy. I wanted to teach so to avoid applying to all these schools. I just applied to one and let God do the rest. And how awesome it was to find out that I got accepted and am now doing something I absolutely love. Everything always works out for the good for those who love the Lord.

First Kiss(es)

Well I have kissed a lot of guys in my lifetime unfortunately. I think the count is about nine. I don't really remember the first one. The second one was pretty gross. The one after that was a learning experience. I guess none of these "first kisses" were everything I hoped they would be. Well the first one I didn't really want. I just did what people told me to do. I guess I can say that the third kiss was the first one that I actually wanted. But sadly whatever it was didn't last long. Anyway, the ones after that were from boyfriends and one timers. The one timers were big mistakes, didn't really want either one but sadly I'm a people pleaser in denial. I act like what people say and think about me don't matter but on the inside it matters a lot to me. And the first kiss from a boyfriend, I can't remember one but the others definitely something I predicted, they just sort of happened. I think putting so much thought into it ruins it. If it happens it happens. What's so great about a first kiss is getting it over with so that all the nervousness and awkwardness is gone. That's what I love about a first kiss.

The End of a Wonderful Semester

Today is my last day of working in Career Services. I got to sit in on a staff meeting but feel really bad about not being able to finish the work I started. Other than that, this time here has been super duper great. I enjoyed the people I worked with and getting to know a little bit more about Career Services. In another life I definitely would think about having my own Career Services office or at least becoming a career counselor but sadly I cannot. Or maybe I can, who knows... Anyway, going to school for teaching so I should probably stick to that but I'm really liking this whole career services thing. Don't know if I'd work here in Hunter but maybe another school. Maybe one closer to home. And since my boyfriend doesn't know where we'll be in say five years... the world is my oyster, lol. Anyway, one more week and I'll be done with my second job and would be officially on vacation. I just hope I don't get wet :D

Authority

I have a really big issue with authority. I don't know what it is, but I just do not like taking orders. Especially when that person isn't doing anything, just asking if you if you're doing the job they said they'd help out with. Gosh, the nerve of some people. And don't let me get started on older family members who think they know everything, yelling at you, telling you what to do and asking you to do things for them, not even taking into consideration all the other things you have on your mind/to do with your time. Sometimes people can just be so inconsiderate. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything, it's just really sucks when you're on the other end of the stick. I usually try to help others out and take into consideration all the things they have going on in their lives. I ask questions before I assume things, well I try to. I guess no one is perfect and I should just suck it up cause this is just how work is. Oh well, hope this weather doesn't keep me in a sour mood and that soon my own personal sun will come out and shine.

Monday Morning

This morning, I woke up not feeling like myself. I have felt this similar feeling before and don't quite like it. I wish things would change, and be the way I want them to be. But sadly I don't always get what I want. I'm just sad that things aren't working out, that things aren't going as I had planned. But this could be a good thing. Maybe I'm not as knowledgeable about the topic as I think I am. Maybe I'm the one in the wrong. I just don't know. I kinda wish someone would just tell me how life is suppose to go and what I'm suppose to do. It would be really cool if we were born with a set of instructions. I'm just really confused and frustrated and just want to stay in bed for a really long time but I can't. I have school work to do and don't want to disappoint people. So I'll put on my fake smile and act like everything is okay when it really isn't. This is the start of a very stressful couple of weeks.

Spoiled

I think I just might be spoiled. I get what I want, when I want it and how I want it. Well I don't think I ask for too much. I don't go asking for millions or bags of clothes. I ask for ties, but not for people to go out and buy them. I ask fathers and grandfathers who have like boxes filled that they don't use. Sometimes I like to be alone and ask to be left alone by my grandmother but she doesn't understand. She still tells me everything she's thinking, but I'm learning knew ways of addressing that besides yelling at her. It's not her fault, she's old and some old people like to talk. I also asked to spend a nice lunch with my closes friends but that won't be happening. It never seems to. I know they have lives and all but I miss them and want to spend time with all of them. I know I could just see each one individually but it's just not the same. It's just cool to be able to just relax and be in each others company. But sadly the plans that I had set for today won't be happening. I shall have to stay home, do school work and order take out because I have been dying for Chinese food for like forever. And I think I'll do it while watching Pride and Prejudice. Until next time my friends. Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus. Amen.

Found

So yesterday my "missing" necklace magically appeared back inside the box that it came it. I don't know how and I don't know why but I'm glad to have my necklace back. It's weird because I moved the box from it's original place to this place in the corner and yesterday I just had this idea that I'd check it out and wam bam it was there. It kinda was cool but also surprising. I kinda wish I knew what happened but I guess I don't need to know. However, three things are still missing. I hate when things go missing. There is a spot for everything in my room so it's easy to spot when something is missing. The list of things missing as of now are my laptop, my piggy bank which I've had since middle school and my pink sun glasses. All of which I'm sure was taken by my not so nice sister. I can't wait until I can move out and get my own place. Maybe with someone else. I don't mind having a roommate. Just as long as they don't mind me cleaning all the time and having things placed in a certain way and me getting random inspirations to rearrange furniture. That's what I want.

Tuesday's in the CDS

Today I woke up with my eye feeling like it's going to burst out of it's socket but I got up anyway. I took a shower even though the pipes kept making this weird grinding noise like it was being pushed and pulled in all the wrong directions. I fed the cats, replaced their litter and ate breakfast. I walked the twelve blocks to my other home where I washed dishes, cleaned the living room, polished furniture, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned the other litter box, fed the other cat, organized my room and took out all the trash. All of this done from 7:38 to 10:37. I can say I had a pretty productive morning. I then went to work, where I sat and did things now and then but mostly answered calls and talked to people. It's getting slow, well kinda. Don't know why they want to keep me here too long. Glad there will be a manger soon. Oh and I gots a test/quiz tonight. Wish me luck. Parents will return in less than a week. Thank goodness.

Panic

Just went through two panic attacks in the last ten minutes. First was seeing my sister walk down the street with the computer and cat in a shopping cart. I had to think about what she was doing: probably giving away that cat and maybe selling the computer which isn't hers which brought on the first panic attack. Second was seeing my house in shambles. All the living room furniture upturned and all over the place, the bathroom a mess, and the computer missing ( I knew it was missing but she didn't have to turn the place upside down in the process- If you know me, you know I have a set place for everything and like coming home to things the way I left them) which brought on the second panic attack. This is just the second wave of crappy that has happened to me since my parents left me with my sister while they enjoy themselves in Australia. Yesterday I woke up to my wonderful necklace that my boyfriend gave me, being missing. Totally brought me back to the days when I was younger and my sister stole everything from me, anything having any significance in my life, gone. And it just made me want to cry. She's the worst possible person the Lord could have ever brought into my life and I still survived somehow. I guess I will always survive. I really do not know what I am suppose to learn in this experience but maybe I'm not suppose to know. However, in the mist of all my panic attacks I found peace. I heard a still small voice say I'm in control. So now, I'm chill because I serve a God much bigger than these somewhat serious problems. Still don't know what to do about this. Feel like I should call an adult. Totally don't think I'm equipped for all this. But I'm just going to worry about today and let God handle the rest. Amen.

Good in People

One thing I feel brings out the good in people is natural disasters. That's when people get together and decide to give some money or actually go there to help out. There's not much else that brings out the good in people. Today people are super lazy. They'd dedicate a facebook status or post a video about something but that's about it. They still live the same lives nothing special, just anther cause to remember. But there are some people who do dedicate their lives to doing good. Missionaries and the like. People going outside their backyards and giving to those less fortunate and some of them don't even have to leave their own backyards. Sadly I wish I could do more, but I do what I can with the time I am given. Maybe when I'm older I can do more.

Greatest Fear

I don't think I have a greatest fear but several small ones. Like, I have a fear of falling and smashing into the never ending streets of concrete in NYC. I also have a fear of rodents and rodent like animals as well as reptiles and huge animals like horses. I don't really fear looking at them from a distance but always watchful when I get real close, don't want any of them stepping on me or kicking me from behind. I also have a fear of heights, or rather when at great heights I think about falling and yea not a good place to me for me. Lastly, it's not a fear but more of a concern. I wonder what my friends will say about me when I die. I use to collect obituaries and still find them fascinating and wonder what will be said in mine.

Something I Know

Something that I now know that I wish I knew earlier in life would be that I would forget all my hard work in Japanese. Well it wasn't really all the much hard work but I did do pretty much all of my homework, studied my butt off for all those quizzes and presentations. I if I knew that all that work was easily to forget I would have tried a little harder to speak in class and not just get all the paper work stuff correct. I would probably tried to find something about Japanese culture that I actually like besides the language. Oh well, guess I'll just have to wait until I go to Japan.

Eating Things

This a list of the things that I like and don't like to eat.
What I like to eat:
broccoli
chocolate ice cream with gummy bears
warm apple pie with ice cream
corn
pineapples
lemons
clementines
mash potatoes/french fries/hash browns
ham
collard greens
macaroni and cheese
sweet potato pie
pumpkin pie
black beans
grilled cheese
french toast
crepes
turkey burgers
Hawaiian pizza
Soupy pork buns
cabbage
lasagna
chicken Parmesan
tuna
pasta salad

What I don't like to eat:
onions
tomatoes
peppers
eggs
pancakes
bacon
sausage
grits
oatmeal
squash
shellfish
spinach
potato salad

Too Late

Five things I want to do before it's too late... -Have a basketball team meaning I want to have enough children that could possibly be a basketball team, but won't actually have to play. That is definitely not a requirement for me. I don't even like the sport, but if they want to play, go have fun, just expect me to touch the ball or anything. -learn how to dance/sew/drive/fly Well I want to learn how to dance so I can dance underneath the stars one day. I need to learn how to sew so I can make my quilt of ties. I don't need to learn how to drive but I can't always have my boyfriend drive me everywhere now can I? And who doesn't want to fly? -Travel to Japan, China, Korea, Columbia...Europe maybe I speak Japanese so of course I'm going to Japan. I like Chinese food so I'll just hop on over to China and Korea is like right between those countries. And Columbia because there are four lemon trees there named after me so I gotta see them. And my boyfriend wants to go to Europe, guess I should keep him company don't want him finding some foreign girlfriend and ditching me, good men are already hard to find, don't need to lose them to girls who can't speak English ;) -Go to a wedding I'm already going to this in June but it is something I want to do. I did miss two already and will not miss this one. -Hang out with my dad I do miss my dad. We don't talk much but I know he cares. He's not a bad guy. If I was him, I wouldn't want to stay with my mom either, which is why I did leave... so we're in the same boat!

Song

Well last night while sucking face with my boyfriend, one song was stuck in my head. It is called Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg. The whole song doesn't apply but the chorus "No, I can't let go, no I can't let go of you" was playing and replaying in my head. This doesn't normally happen but recently songs have gotten stuck in my head just because someone said a line that reminded me of a song. Like Thursday, I asked my co-worker what we had planned for today and he replied, try and take over the world, so automatically the theme song to Pinky and Brain got stuck in my head. But even now, that song from Landon Pigg gets stuck in my head. Another one of his songs is a frequent visitor to my mind, Falling In Love (in a Coffee Shop). That one came to mind when a student came into my office and his name was Landon. I immediately started singing the song. I wonder if he knew of the artist. He didn't say anything, maybe he was use to it, but I didn't do it to annoy him, it was just on my mind. Oh well, he'll suck it up.

Mistakes

I wouldn't go so far as to say that there was one huge mistake in my life. Yes I have made some but in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't be the person I am today without my mistakes. I could easily pick out a couple of ex boyfriends as mistakes but it wasn't totally horrible. I did have some fun and I don't know the impact I had on their life. I might have helped somehow or even a friend of his. I don't doubt that each of our experiences have made us different people than before, hopefully for the better. But yea, mistakes were made to be made. Without them, we'd be perfect and who wants that. Definitely not me.

One Thing I Want to Do

One thing that I have always wanted to do is moon bathe. I feel like it would be such an awesome experience to just lay down and bathe in the moon's warm light. As soon as it gets warm enough, I'm going to find myself a roof and just chill out. I guess the only thing that has prevented me from doing so is time. I don't have time to do any of the things that I want to do. I want to go traveling, I want to learn how to swim, I use to want to learn how to drive -not so much anymore, I want to go fishing, I want to see something exotic/extraordinary. Sadly I don't have time for any of these things. My summers are spent working, my breaks are spent on catching up with school, and my weekends are spent reading textbooks. However, this summer I shall moon bathe!

Where I want to go

I wanna go to a place similar to that of Pleasantville. Have you seen that movie? Well you should. Besides the fact that there are only white people in the movie. I'd like to live there. I'd like to only have two streets to my neighborhood. I'd like for everything to be predictable and know which guy is going to ask me to prom and what baked good I'll bring to him to win his heart. But sadly life it's so simple as that. My school is not just around the corner, I do not live in a two parent household, I do not have a house and a car, I do not have wonderful parents who ask me how my day was or friends that I can see and hang out with everyday. However, I do have one amazing boyfriend, friends that are far but real close to my heart, a grandmother who never stops bothering me but she cares, a nice bed to sleep in every night and a school that I know will help me get to where I want to be. Overall, I'm glad I'm on the road that I am on and wouldn't change it for any amount of chocolate ice cream with gummy bears on top.

No One Knows

Trying to think of something that nobody knows about me is really hard. I pretty much tell everyone every thing about myself. There probably isn't one person who knows everything but if you put all the people in my life into one room you would pretty much have my whole life story.However, I will tell you this: I'd rather watch people enjoy life than actually be apart of it. I remember being a little girl in a day care, walking around observing other children play. If they seemed to be enjoying themselves I thought great, maybe I would try that later. And I would, when I saw that no one was using the game. I still do that now. I like to observe people actually having fun and laughing and smiling at them but would never want to be apart of it. Sometimes when I have people over my house. I do the same thing, sometimes just watching my friends be happy and enjoying each other, kind of like taking in the moment. But I do join in on the fun sometimes. I guess that's my story for now. <3 K

Diary

Well I don't have to actually open up my diary from a year ago to see how I have changed. I can list several things that have changed. I am in a relationship with a fabulous man who I care about very much. I am a college graduate and currently in graduate school at Hunter College. I live at home in NYC, which is awful but I'll survive. I had a real job where I didn't have to talk to children, thank goodness. I still haven't gotten my license but that could possibly change. I definitely have a boat load more ties than I did last year as well as books. I have more friends of course. I have learned a lot more. I think I know myself a little better as well. I think that's it. Peaces.

Childhood Memory

My most cherished childhood memory. I don't think I really have one. I remember seeing kids fight, being hit for misbehaving, watching tv at dinner, being force to read books I didn't care about, I remember people watching at 5, I remember my best friend Kelci's third birthday party. I remember my mom being at my daycare when I was four. I remember people telling me they saw me on tv because I was in a music video I didn't know was being taped. I remember going to Niagara Falls and seeing new family members. I remember having a horrible little sister. I remember the not so good things and the good things. Nothing really stands out. I remember wanted to be best friends with Samantha and wanting to get to know Norma. Both came true. I remember seeing a girl have a seizure in school. I remember having sleep overs. I remember when I use to have a bunk bed. I remember when we use to have a rocking chair, a rocking horse, a red room, a black cat. I remember laying down and watching the full moon while everyone slept. This is my childhood, little bits and pieces of memories.

Crush

My first crush was in tenth grade. I had a crush on this guy from my after school program. I don't even know why I had it. It was just so stupid now that I think about it. I would obsess over him and want him to like me and think I was cool but I don't remember what it was about him that made me think and do such stupid things back then. If I could change my past I would. I feel like all my worrying and love note writing and giggling was all a waste. Anyway, what I do remember is that I liked his hair. He did have nice hair. We had some common interests. And that's about it. We had one friend in common, and I remember hanging together a lot. I taught them Japanese or what I could teach them. And I remember we did go out once, but ended up switching dates at the end of it with my best friend at the time. Yea, it was very weird. And now he's gay and happily in a committed relationship while I'm still single but not bitter about it at all. I do regret all the time I spent doing all those little childish things but I was a child and part of being a child is making mistakes and learning from them. So in part I am glad I had it but still wish I hadn't done some of the things I did. Oh well, you only live once.

Food!

My last food craving was sometime last week, when doing random things. I just get this craving for grilled cheese. I use to make it all the time when I was a freshman in college. I got it down to an exact science with the right bread for the perfect amount of cheese. It was awesome. I miss being a freshman. Now I'm a grad student that needs money to pay for college and to pay back to loans she has after she graduates. Being in the real world kinda sucks. I can talk to people I want when I want or do what I want when I want. Everything has consequences and you have tons of responsibilities. Enjoy your time as much as you can. I know I will.

Beliefs

My religious beliefs are that I believe in Jesus Christ. And that has pretty much stayed the same. But the thing of Christianity is that you grow more in faith. God works and moves in your life and is constantly showing you how wonderful He is and how much He loves you. I remember being in Sunday school in first grade and being like, yes, Jesus is the son of God. And that was it for a while. It was more of answering the teacher's questions and knowing all the stories in the bible. It wasn't until I got to high school that something changed. I had one sunday school teacher who actually asked us if we were baptized. And I wasn't. He wondered why. I answered that I felt like I wasn't ready. And he told me that that was one of the works of the devil, to make one think they aren't ready to be baptized. Someone used the saying "You can go down (as in the water for baptism) and come back up as a wet devil." Baptism is just the outside expression of what has already happened on the inside. So I can proud to say that I did get baptized by the end of that year. January 1, 2006 with two of my very good friends. After that I went through a lot of temptation but luckily I had some strong moral values or I would not be the person I am today. Once I got to college, one of the things I wanted was to find a good Christian group to be apart of and I found that. I went through more things but just kept growing in faith. God brings these trial around so that you can grow, so that you can learn and stand strong against the attacks of the enemy. Not saying that you'll perfect, we're only human. But you can remember back to those times where God has helped you, brought you through crisis after crisis and maybe use those experiences to help others. That is what I believe.

One thing

If I could change one thing about me... I don't want to change anything about myself. There was one thing when I was thinking about this question some time ago but I just can't seem to remember what it was. Since my sister has come back into my home, I'm just always alert and cautious of everything. I know it's foolish to be worried about material things and should be thankful that I don't have to fear for my life but it's so hard. I just want to live in a place where I don't have to worry that something will be missing when I get home. Luckily I have nothing but books for the most part. Maybe when school starts things will get a little better. I'm just really sick of having to protect my stuff. That's why when my sister stole some money from my piggy banks I just gave her the rest so she can spend it up real quick and not have to come looking for anymore from me. I feel that that should stop her for now until she figures out something else. Man, I don't wish this on anyone. I don't know how I survive it all or even how an old woman like my grandmother can put up with it. I don't think I would give a crap if she got a arrested. I would think good, maybe she'll learn something in there. And when she gets out, oh well, go find somewhere else to live cuz she isn't staying with me. I probably shouldn't feel this way about my sister but that's how she makes me feels, like nothing means anything to her and all she cares about is herself. So I will forgive and move on with my life and try to live as peaceful as possible. Lord willing.