Gambatte

Do you know "gambatte"? It's a Japanese way of saying good luck, go for it and keep going. I have heard this phrase so many times and have told myself this when I've felt like giving up. I think this is party why many Japanese die from over working. I kept telling myself keep going, keep going, you can't stop. However, I was tired. I was exhausted physically and mentally and now I'm spiritually exhausted. I'm done with classes and teaching and being in this country. However, I can't just up and leave. I'll finish out the year and move on. Today I started planning for the next semester and I didn't totally hate it. I hated the fact that so many other teachers were there, but that can't be helped. Tomorrow I'll be getting ice cream with one of them and then later to have dinner with a student. Hopefully that day will be as productive as today. If I can keep up this energy and plan for next semester I can begin to enjoy the break and not freak out about having to plan week by week. Hopefully. ttfn

So Little Time

Why do I feel like I don't have time for all the things I want to? It's probably because they're not a priority in my life right now. However, every time I see something that reminds me of it, I think, I want to do it. I just don't have the time. I want to knit, crochet, read, study, watch movies, exercise. Today I was baking/cleaning and listening to a podcast episode about a woman who for a year didn't buy anything new. This sparked a need for me to go through some stuff and think about the things that I don't need or want or aren't necessary for my life. So now I'm thinking of ways I can get rid of the things I have. Which stresses me out because the things I want to keep make me think of where I will put it or pack it when I leave. And then I think about leaving Japan and where my next stage in life will be. Where will I live? Where will I work? What do I want to do? Will it make me happy? And then the upcoming break. What will I bring home? Where can I keep it where it'll be safe? How can I avoid seeing people I don't want to meet? All of these thoughts every single day. And I'm just so tired, so tired of it all. I want a break from it. However, I'm going to take it one day at a time. This weekend, I'll focus on the kitchen, next the bedroom and so far. And I'll have to invite people over to come check out stuff that they may want. And I'll have to do a deep cleaning before I'm off for the summer. Also I have a huge box of yarn that I have to figure out what to do with. AH! ttfn

Future Me

Dear Future Me,

I hope you are happy and filled with joy. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you and care about you. I hope you are safe and healthy. I hope you have food on your table, clothes on your back and shoes on your feet. I hope you have a safe place where you can be yourself, rest and meditate. I hope you look back on these days and think fondly of this time. I hope you are not longer stressed about work and no longer anxious about your future. I hope you have connected with a church and have gotten back to reading your bible. I hope you have more days of laughter than sadness and that you are unable to count your numerous blessings. I hope you know I love you and want the best for you.

Sincerely,
Present Me

Joy suckers

There are some people out there who just can't see other happy and have to say something about it. Friday was a trying day in that a coworker of mine felt the need to point out what I was doing as if I was harming her in some way. And it's not the first time I've heard her say something negative towards me. And I hate that my only memories of her are of those where she's said something negative to me. I want to push past it and leave it in the past, but it's hard to forget. However, I know there are plenty of people who like me and some even love me and know me to be a caring and selfless person. I shouldn't pay too much attention to her or her opinions. I'm going to boil down to the fact that it wasn't me, but maybe she just wasn't having a great day. Now I'm going to clean up my house and prepare myself for another week of work. Again today I thought, I'd love to quit my job. I'd love to be free of all of this. However, I have promises I must keep and of course I don't want to be homeless so I must work and keep on. ttfn

And a Package

Yesterday I got a notice that a package had arrived. It was from my former neighbor. I didn't know she was sending me anything, but it came at a good time. It was filled with so much goodies and a lovely note. I love writing to my friends. I try to write at least once a month, if I'm not too busy.

Yesterday was also Wafuku Day, and I didn't want to dress up, but I did. It was not too bad, but definitely not my favorite attire. I went home, watched a tv show and the Jonas Brothers documentary. It was a nice evening finished with me washing my hair and braiding it all before bed time. I slept wonderfully and it was nice not to have to wake up and be off the school.

This morning I took my time, ate breakfast, washed dishes, did my laundry and made my lunch. I had a doctor's appointment. I knew it would be a waste and it was, but I did it and now I don't need to see anymore doctors unless the pain returns. After that I had a wonderful lunch and shared some of the snacks I got from the UK and now I'm sitting next to my students before my first and only class that I have today. ttfn

Unexpected Gifts

I think everyone loves chocolate, but I especially love chocolate when it's unexpected. I often tell my students to give me chocolate when they are late and/or absent and don't send me an email. So I love it when I forget about it and then next class they give me chocolate, which I then share with the class of course.

Anyway, yesterday I was walking around the multicultural floor of the library and one student called me over. She had a gift for me from her grandmother. I have met her grandmother before and have been to her house for dinner. Well this grandmother decided to make me two hair accessories by hand. One is a lovely flower headband and the other is a hat that clips on to my hair. I was so surprised by the lovely gesture and note that came along with the gifts. I don't think this woman knows how much her kindness blessed me, but I'm going to try my best to let her know. I'll hopefully be able to give her something also handmade.

Also, I had lunch with a coworker, and dinner with others. The dinner wasn't as great as when I've gone with students, but I'm glad to have been invited and thought of. Eating ice cream the last two days have also blessed me. I don't know what today will be like. It's Wafuku Day, which means people will be wearing traditional Japanese clothes. I have dressed for it the last three years, but this year I'm not into it since I have three classes today. It's gonna be hot and I'm just not feeling in the spirit of it this year. Oh! Also I have bought my ticket home for the summer and I paid my rent. Little things I know, but I guess not everyone can say that. ttfn

Grateful

When I'm feeling really low and want to pick myself up something I think about all the things I'm grateful for. Yesterday, on my way home I thought about those things. I also had a headache that keeps coming almost everyday. I don't know why, but after I did my gratitude practice, I felt immensely better. I was able to make myself dinner and prepare my lunch/dinner for the week.

Some of things that made me feel better yesterday was seeing these four students who make me feel loved and always give me a hug. I found one during the first period, the other one I thought I missed, but found later in the day. I also found another during that same time and then right before leaving I saw the last one. I think I'm reminded that I am surrounded by love and support even if I don't always see it/them. I am loved. I am supported. I am cherished. I am love.

Today, I woke up feeling well rested. I had a wonderful breakfast, took the bus to school. I arrived safely, and now I'm going to start working on my lesson plans for the week/tomorrow. ttfn.