This is Me

I don't smile as much anymore, I've been hurt too much to fake it anymore. I don't really like pink but any color would really do, but pink seemed like the best color to go with my new attitude or the person I wanted to personify. I love being in love but always find myself left out, nothing I can do about it so eh. I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I try to make people feel special, I try to let them know how much I care for them and how much they mean to be but I get nothing in return and that can wear a girl down. I can't fake the funk for long. Soon the real me will come out. I think I've been hiding for so long that I do not know what it is. I can no longer be afraid to make enemies, every great leader had enemies so bring on the hate. I fear pretty much every and anything. I fear being the same as everyone as well as being too different. I like to fit right into things or at least the status quo. I would love to fit in but still be me which I think is an oxymoron. You can't flow in the same different as the current and expect to be different. Sadly, I try to hard and I really don't even like people that much. They don't follow rules, walk in straight lines and are so complex and never seem to be what you expect them to do. But there are a few exceptions but what's the fun in that. Exactly. I don't get me either, I'm absolutely lost as to how things are suppose to work, how they should be, feel, smell, taste like. I really do wish when we were born we had a manual then there would be less arguments about this and that and laws and religion and life in general. But I guess that wouldn't be a life at all. Well, I guess that's all I have for now, maybe one day I'll find the answers to all my questions.

Charlotte's Death

I was once told, a life is not a life is there is no love. Well I haven't any and have been push and set aside to wait in the background and see everyone else happy and in love. They see me and smile but I don't get to share in the joy, in the love, in the happiness. So I smile and put on a good performance so they don't know the hurt behind the smile. But I'm done trying, done faking the funk. This is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm not going to play nice so you'll like me or fake a smile so you don't ask questions. From now until forever I speak truth in more ways than one. I will finally be free, finally able to be me.... Dead.

Charlotte Uncovered

So, I've moved. I've been removed from my place of beginnings into a land of solitude and constant studying. I have a smaller room but with bigger options. I've found more than I thought was available and find myself always doing something. Yet again, there is someone I can't seem to get away from, it's like he's following me. Sometimes it makes me laugh. He's not bother though, I can survive. Besides my move I have also gotten a hair cut, a nice one I might add. I have heard that it makes me look older, always good when your about to turn twenty one and want to go to a bar for a Shirley Temple. That is what I plan to do for my birthday. I would also like to go ice skating and to moon bathe. I do hope I have the time. Other than these two occurrences, everything is pretty much the same but a little more different. I go to school, come home, eat, sleep, do homework. Nothing special, just different people. That can be either a good thing or bad. And I am very satisfied with where I am expect that it could be a little quieter and warmer and someone people could not long conversations with their boyfriend about stupid things but somethings I just can't control.... or can I.

Another Day in the Life of Charlotte

I thought I felt him back in Buffalo. I thought my days of sitting by my window were over until I saw him. Standing by the door once more. My daisy well dried and kept between the pages of Summer Love. That night such a blur I can't remember it too clearly. All I can seem to put together are my fits of anger, for being so trusting, so naive and thinking that he was different. But saddly I was wrong. He wasn't different, he's just like them. He never showed, not at all... until now. Who does he think he is, who is he to show up now. I tried to get away to go somewhere where it is highly unlikely to bump into someone you know but he's here, right here, where I don't want him to be. Now that I've seen him I can't get him out of my mind, wondering, looking when I'll see him again. I try to forget but as soon as I do, he pops up. He's either walking down the street, in my favorite library, buying movie tickets to see a show. I just can't shake this guy loose. I refuse to let him ruin this vacation, I refuse to let him play me like a fool. I will not let my emotions get the best of me, I will not fail. I promise to not become one of those girls. I wont. I can't. I mustn't.

Summer Lovin

It's summertime and the end of a long hard semester, no more distractions, well maybe just one but that's being taken care of.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not eny, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love alwys protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I have been really blessed this last couple of months and it has been a blessing to know everyone and everything and I pray that Mary is happi wherever she is, I miss her very much so. Thanks to all my friends and family and I pray this summer will bring into season a new me and continued growth in my Creater.

~Faith is more than a belief; it is power.

Things Change

I actually think it's warmer in Buffalo than it is in NYC right now. I'm freezing. So bacially everything I said last time is a lie. I don't miss my cat nor do I miss my sister. I've actually stopped talking to my grandma and don't want anything to do with my sister or cancer filled cat. Both are very spoiled and do whatever they want to whom ever they want. I don't think they think about how their actions affect the other people around them. So I don't pick up my phone and I lock my door. When in Buffalo I couldn't wait to get back home but now I want to be back in Buffalo, at least there I don't have to watch after my stuff or avoid picking up my phone or have to make plans to see people. I always get to see the important ppl everyday or at least twice a week *wink wink*. That's it, that's all I have to say. At the moment Charlotte is somewhere around prolly hidding but she pops up now and then to remind me of a certain someone I don't want to be reminded of. She's such a hopeless romantic. This is why she was on punishment for over a year and it seems like now she still can't control herself but she will, she has to if she wants to survive. Plus I'm uber bored here, all I do is shop so I guess she feels the need to liven up my life. OH well bed time. nighty.

Charlotte Flows

It's my birthday tomorrow and I will no longer be a teenager. I miss my square, it's cold in Buffalo. I like yoga. I miss Mary Chelsea Allen, my cat, she's my best friend. I don't like having to change myself for people. I just want to be me and not have to worry about if they like me or not. So I think I will stop trying and say whatever the want to say and how I want to say it no matter who I piss off. I miss the people I use to see everyday in high school. I love sunsets. I want to ice skate. talking is overrated. crocheting is fun when ppl don't guilt you into giving them a freaking blanket. I want to live on the moon if I could. I want to travel if planes were safer. I'm the funny lookin spot on my square. I have 32 ties now and want more so gimme gimme. Stop reading this its nonsense. I want to fly, like a butterfly. In my next life I'd like to be a butterfly or a bird that no one wants and I'd sing a song, a pretty song but no one would listen cuz no one wants me so I'll sing for me and enjoy it. I wish I could swim then I'd could be a fish and swim all day long and sleep on the ocean floor, hopefully I wont get killed by any lava pillows or earthquakes that'll cover me in sediments and freeze my body for marine biologist to find and say what an ugly fish. I miss my sister, my real sister, Jocelyn Sue Allen. I love her and jealous, she gets to be free, and have friends who like her for who she is. We all know who she is and don't expect anything else, she's the lucky one. I just get to go to college and do the things I'm suppose to. I don't want to turn twenty.

Charlotte's Valentine

I woke up to a knock on the door. Who could it be? I looked at the clock. It read 5:14. Who could be at my door at 5:14? I look through the peep hole and it's him. The guy I watched from my window and watch for when he takes out his trash. I open the door as my heart is beating faster and faster. I smile ans say hi. He smiles back and says hi. I'm wondering why he's standing at my door when he gives me a daisy and says Happy Valentine's Day. I could have died but instead I said that you as he leaned in to give me a hug. I could have stayed there for days but it only lasted a few seconds. I could smell his cologne and feel that he's just saved. I wonder what it would be like to smell that smell everyday and to feel his face everyday. As we break our embrace he gentle kisses me on my cheek and says he thinks I'm beautiful. I'm speechless. I can't form any words to say what I'm feeling right now. My heart is beating fast, pumping blood as fast as it can. My hands are shaking, I don't know what to do. My face begins to hurt from smiling so much. All I can manage to say is a soft and quiet thank you. I feel the moment slipping away like I should say more but I'm lost for words. If I don't say something quick he'll leave and walk out of my life forever. I need something to say. I'm so busy thinking and arguing with my head that I don't hear his question. I ask him to repeat it. He asks if I want to be him Valentine and I say sure and he says great and that he'll pick me up at 8 to take me out, and I say cool. At this point, I'm not even thinking just saying whatever will make him happy. Whatever it takes to keep him standing there, at my door. Whatever it takes so that I can smell him again, to feel him again. He stands there for a while smiling at me, I'm smiling at him. I ask him what he's looking at and he says nothing, just something amazing beautiful. And I just can't control myself, I could burst happiness all over my doorway. He finally decides he'll leave and bids me farewell, I'm hesitant to close my door, to end the moment to stop this never ending bliss but he's already turned away and is walking back across the street. I slowly walk back to my bed wondering if I'm only dreaming, but then I look at the daisy in my hand and realize that was real, it was so real. I can barely fall asleep, but when I do, it's with a smile on my face. I can't wait for tonight.

Charlotte's Freedom

So it wasn't as bad an ending. I found a balance and a better method towards the dictator that left us still friends in the end. Sometimes, just being silent helps. I was released on Monday morning after a two hour ride on what's called the "ghetto bus", and watched the sun rise. Once home, I just went to bed after making sure my cat was fed. And spent the rest of the week waiting for my mom to come home. That guy I once say while walking down the street, I don't see him anymore, which kinda saddens me, but there's always summer. And this other guy who I'd love to see, I have failed to accomplish that. I know it's sad, but life still goes on. I'm just happy to go back to Buffalo and hang with the ever so popular J.M.B. He's amazing! The End!

Charlotte's Rage

I don't know how much longer I can last. This torture must end. I don't know how but I must. I'm not getting anything out of being here. I feel so enraged right now, like I want to break something but I know I can't. I just want to get out of here, away from the fighting, the constant arguing, the stress. I don't want to have to trust her to make sure everything is going to be alright, I don't want to be nice to her anymore. I tried being nice today and it just don't work with her. I give her a glimpse into my life and tries to control it, making me mad at the people I love the most. But I wont let that happen again, I wont make the mistake of trusting her with anything, sharing anything. Today there were dears walking outside and I was actually happy, prolly the only happiness I will ever know being here in this place. Maybe I'm jealous or maybe I just want something bad to happen to her but either way, things are not working out. Don't know why or even care, it's just not and I think once I do leave this place it will be the last time I ever do this again. I don't know about the friendship but it's over and I hope I am not severely affected by this later on. Well the parental units are awake an arguing so that's my cue to go. Pray for a better tomorrow.

Charlotte's Capture

I've been kidnapped! I've been taken away from my home sweet home and into the icy cold mountains of Poconos, PA. I've been taken against my will and can only keep in contact with loved ones through this sketchy wireless connection. My hostess sucks, it's all about her and no one else. It's like she kidnapped me just to please her and do her every wish and command but that's not happening. No way am I gonna crawl on my knees to please you. My parents did not raise me to be submissive to anyone nor take orders from someone clearly lacking in wisdom and knowledge. Since I've gotten here this girl has not stopped talking, only to ignore people when she doesn't get her way. And she's always complaining or saying something mean or rude out of her mouth. I don't want to be the one to give her a wake up call but hopefully someday she will get it. I've been her one day and she's already gotten on my bad side, luckily I forgive easily or else I'd be on my way back home right now. I've learned that I can only take her in small doses or else she wont live much longer. I wish someone would come and rescue me from this place. I don't belong here. The bed is cold, the pillows uncomfortable, the house dead and unwelcoming. I want to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, in my own house which is warm and inviting. Man, I'd give anything to be home again. But I guess I should stop complaining because it could be worse so much worse. I cud be stuck in the next room where someone is snoring away like a choochoo train or I cud be forced to sleep in the same room as her. Anyway, three more days and then I'm free, but who knows what suffering those three days will bring...