My sister

I feel horrible. I feel emotionally distressed and physically distressed. Nothing is happening to me but looking at my sister makes me feel super duper like.. I don't even know. First it's the smell but I think the smell is only the smell because she's sick. She has thalassemia and she's had a plethora of blood transfusions and stuff. And looking at her, first I don't even recognize her. She's so much bigger now, she really just looks bloated. And I'm just use to her being able to whatever damage she wants. But now she can't do much damage. I started this post a couple of days ago but now things have changed. My sister is now back in the hospital, her legs gave out and go that is where she was sent. My grandmother has the flu and so she was in bed all weekend. I had weekend plans but couldn't go anywhere until I knew everyone was okay. I helped my sister which I usually never ever do. I made sure everything she needed was in arms reach and that she had things to do throughout the day. I went to my mother's house to have a square party and came home to find out my sister went back to the hospital. Earlier that day I also spent the morning cleaning the bathrooms and kitchens. Anyway, Sunday I didn't go to church, stayed home, tried to avoid getting sick. But yea, it's just a little weird sorta kind of caring about what happens to my sister. I'm not too worried now that she's in the hospital. They're equipped with the things to make her feel and be better, maybe they don't know it yet, maybe no one does but I'm pretty sure it's not in this house, don't want anything horrible to happen in here. I think I'd have to leave. I hope you all enjoy your day, I'm still trying. K

The 24th Year

Today is my 24th birthday. I have been so blessed to have been on this Earth for the last twenty-four years. I have learned so much, seen so much and have experienced so many things. One thing I am very grateful for is my relationship with my maker and with my friends who also have a relationship with God. Those people have shaped and impacted my life so much. I am no longer in a box looking out and what others are doing but I am outside the box and going further, reaching further and discovering my potential in the wide world that we live in. Today I did not let anyone rain on my parade. Yes it is my birthday but it is also a day that the Lord has made and we should rejoice and be glad in it. I remember just praising God and dancing in my room just because of how great and marvelous He is. I wish I had more moments like it. I wish I had time. It is said that if something is important to you that you'll make time for it well I plan to make more time for God. It's not just knowing the bible, the stories and what they mean, it's applying the Word to your life. I plan to live more passionately and being a witness. I want others to look at me and see something different and want to know what that difference is and I will tell them it's Jesus. I will continue to work on my testimony and share the Gospel any chance I get. I am definitely prepared to live my life for Jesus. This is just something on my mind today. I had a really great day. Ask people to send me cards. Received a six piece baking set, scarf, art, gummy pandas, earrings, gift card, and yarn. What really matters though is the love that I have received from my friends and family. I just hope I can spend the rest of my life showing them the love that Jesus has put in my heart. Song I'm currently listening to sums up this post perfectly. "Let my words be life. Let my words be truth. I don't wanna say a word unless it points the world back to You." by Hawk Nelson called Words.

One year

The day after Valentine's Day happens to be the one year anniversary of the first date my boyfriend and I had. Two days before V-day I got flowers in the mail. They're pretty awesome but slowly dying. There should be an option to keep them alive or not. Anyway, Saturday we ate dinner and then went to go see Beautiful Creatures. I was hoping the movie would be much better but maybe I was just comparing it to the book. I kinda wish I saw it with fresh eyes and not after having read the whole series, but I do love the books and the movie wasn't totally off. Just skipped parts and eliminated characters but hey, it's how they want to show it and I'll try and understand it. Yesterday we watched Thor and then the All Star game. I can truly say that I am very happy with this guy. Yea there may have been times I questioned things but I'm just glad that I didn't give up and just kept on. Usually when things get stressful or out of my comfort zone I usually try to get as far away as I can from it but I'm learning that some things are worth the risk, worth the little extra effort. Hope you have a very warm Monday morning. K

Sisters

I'm a Christian and all but when it comes to my sister, I feel more than a little dislike for her. She's the complete opposite of me. She takes anything she wants and I feel like her existence is just an intrusion on my life. It's so much better when we are not living together. When all the things I find near and dear to me are not in her reach. Today she came and I had all these plans to go shopping and see people but I didn't trust her in my room, so I had to make sure things were okay. She finally left and I feel so much better now but because of the snow I don't want to go anywhere now. I feel like staying in but I should go out and get more things I guess... Idk. I'm still a bit nervous, and once I inspect everything, hopefully I don't find anything gone. Times like this I really don't like my life. I get paranoid when things are not known, my things. I have to have some kind of plan or back-up and know where things are going. But having my sister around just makes me so uncomfortable. Wish it was different but she's put this idea in my head that she can't be trusted, can't take care of herself nor does she want to take responsibility for anything. As soon as I get my masters I really need to leave this place, get out the country for a couple of years, work and save up so I can get my own place. And I've heard this a lot from lots of people but maybe somehow someway it will be different for me. Anyway, decided I'm going on a fast, don't know what I'll be praying for just yet so I'll get back to ya on that. K

Relationships

Relationships are hard. Like really really hard. It's so easy to always put yourself first and think all about how the other complements you but I think it's the opposite. It's about putting the other person's needs before your own. Being slow to anger and always ready to forgive. However, if the other person is beating you up or making you cry every other day I think it's time to leave. Don't even think about it, if anyone lays a hand on you and then claims to love you I think you need to leave. I think I Corinthians 13 pretty much sums up all the things a relationship should have. And a relationship does not have to be a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship it can also be a friendship which is also a relationship. You have relationships with co-workers, patients, clients, neighbors. All these relationships should consist of love. And what 1 Corinthians says about love is that it is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, it is not proud or rude, self-seeking or easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. That was pretty much verses 4-7 but the first four go into saying how you can basically be the nicest most wonderful person in the world but if you don't have love it means nothing. So I love to keep that in mind. I love helping others but if I don't have love in my heart, it pretty much means nothing. I think that's important for a relationship to do things out of love and the put the other person before yourself. I was watching this reality show on E! called Chasing the Saturday which is a pop girl group from England and there is one girl named Mollie who is the only single girl and I think it is because she puts everyone else before herself. She's the first one any of the other girls call when they need cheering up or upset about something because she is so bubbly, caring and full of love. I want to be like that, to put all of myself into helping others. I wonder how I could do that this month....

Bible Study

I went to bible study tonight at my church. It was about I Samuel 15 and basically showed how Saul turned away from God and disobeyed him. And this one lady was torn on the part where God wants Saul to destroy a group of people called the Amelekites. He wanted Saul to destroy the men, women, children and infants, and the lady was like why the children. And it was because of the generational curse as well as children follow what their parents do. And since this group of people sinning by worshiping idles and carry-on like their ain't no God he decided it was time for then to get they dished out themselves. Anyway, that generational curse thing has been on my mind for some reason. I'm wondering what things my parents have passed on to me that I don't know of. However, because Jesus died on the cross for our sins we don't have generational curses but still children do emulate what they see their parents do. Other than that my day was okay, was suppose to go to the museum but got a headache which I think was brought on by stress. I'm just stressed on how to proceed from where I am and what are the next steps, if I should even bother taking anymore steps and just give up. I'm just going to have to take a break from some things and just focus on school. So if I don't see a couple of my friends or bake or crochet it's because I'm focused on bettering myself which textbooks, school and work. K

Writing

I know I said I was going to write a letter to someone each day of this month, but that is a whole lot of stamps, but I do promise to write to at least ten people. That way I don't have to spend any more money that I don't have. Tuition kicked my butt this semester. CUNY needs to chill with these increases. Making it harder for people to stay in college. Luckily after this semester I only have to do teaching and I guess pay for that too but it shouldn't be so much. Also, I got two more letters this week, from two very fabulous ladies. I love hearing back from people I've sent mail to. I don't want to reply so soon though because it might make them not want to write. Writing is special and therefore remembered but if it comes every week, you won't think it's so special. So I may reply towards the middle of this week. Instead maybe, I'll write some poems, so check out that blog as well. Anything funny thing, I think I'm addicted to Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Ice cream. It's so weird because I met those guys and tried their ice cream in 8th grade and decided I didn't like it and was going to stay away. However, my sister had some and told me to try it and now I can't get enough if it. Other than eating ice cream my weekend has been filled with watching television and crocheting a blanket for my friend. I haven't seen my boyfriend in a week and a half. Think something is wrong with me? Idk, I think it's because I'm so busy and trying to get my schedule in order and partly because I'm not mentally ready for school so things are getting pushed back but I'm going to force myself to get organized and schedule some time with my boyfriend. Hopefully I don't distract him too much. Anyway, Happy February. B-day in 20 days! K